It is always here, in the early mornings of moon cloaked nights, that I am at my most vulnerable and lonely. It is at times like this that I ponder how I’ve forsaken my spirit for such empty things as status. Time and her shifting sands do not stand still, and it is never wise to build a castle which must always be defended. After all, what is then the point? Whether harm is to come or not, you spend all your days toiling for a fate the same as if you had simply done something novel with your free energy.
Here again, I am becoming too preoccupied with my own thoughts. It is not right to think this way, and it may not be right to think at all. After all, where are the most noble of forest dwelling creatures when the sun shines? They are out frolicking, as we all should be. Why else do we live?
You see, I am waiting for a moment when the great beyond stops being frustrated with me. I am waiting for the moment when the aether of the world that solidifies around me and occludes my progress lifts. Any day now, I think, it could come.
And then I wake up tomorrow and it has not yet come and I don’t know what to make of myself. Once again, I’ve been outdone. The world hasn’t been kind to me, I think to myself, the great above is angry with me for some reason. And then I realize, it is because I am so cluttered up that God wants nothing to do with me.
If I wish to join His kingdom I mus be pure as snow. Free from lies and all other things which obstruct the spirit. I must be a paragon of absolute truth, absolute freedom, and absolute kindness. Never once should a thought of self-interest cross my mind, and always shall I be serving the greater good of humanity. Only by always being a servant of God can I ever be a righteous man.
How clear it is to me now, that all these things which ossify me and calcify me into a lesser person may all be thrown off and purged in the forest fires of truth, mercy, and justice. And to realize, also, that the really horrifying, ghastly side of existence is real, and that it is ever present, and always on the watch for ungodly behavior. It will eat me up if I let it.
And then I think, my god, the point all along was to be me. With all my flaws, imperfections, neuroses, all of that, if I were to be myself, and only that, that would be enough. Isnt it true? Aren’t I enough for myself? Wouldn’t I be enough for the world if I were only fully myself, in every interaction, always and everywhere? And, is that not truly what God wants me to be, and what I am made to be, and what we are all made to be? That we are all tenaciously fragile humans, that we are bound by greed and incompetence, and we are fueled by the belief that the future could be better…
Why don’t we all try like that? What causes people to give up their lives, their lives programmed by God, designed and accessible to all the glory there is?
Unfortunately, the ways of men are such that we cannot truly be ourselves. How strange, that the very thing which makes us human, makes us so anti-human, and yet… In that case, is our anti-human-ness not also the most human thing possible? Never did I think it would pay to make such bad decisions, and never did I think that, had I made better decisions, I might have been worse off. Perhaps the very things that put me here are the challenges God has set out for me to face, and that means that I am right where I should be, and I always have been all along!
So what is there to do? Should I adopt a strategy of total non-action, of being a passive observer to my thoughts and my bodily emotions and my passive neuroses? Should I somehow elevate myself to a point beyond my own mind, where I am exposed to fewer neuroses? No… I am in a checkmate, a cosmic checkmate. And the only thing to do is to do what I can as best I can, and hope the rest of my life may continue unfazed.
I wish I could say that I am sad, or broken, or angry, or in love, or that I feel something deeply. But the truth is, I cannot. And that is what hurts more than anything else.
In creating the persona for myself that I believe will appear best in the societal image, I am relegating myself to a life of less importance. Truly, the only noble thing to do is to dare to be great, and to fail and burn up like a great ball of fire reentering the atmosphere from heavenly heights unthinkable to mortal men. It is that bravery, that willingness to be burnt to a crisp, the acceptance of ultimate mortality and the understanding that circumstances of failure are only tragic so long as they are not agreed to in advance. Yes, to know that I will not make it, that I will go down swinging before I give up, that is what is required to stand a chance at entering the kingdom of God.
This life is constant struggle, and you must see it as such. Existence is pain, and existence is struggle, so your task as a human is to throw yourself with full trust into the great drama of living, and thereby begin to struggle your way heaven.
Life is a long, unyielding starcase to heaven that carries you through time, that you are climbing or descending with every choice you make. What matters most is that you keep climbing, whatever may happen to you, and that you learn that even a cripppled limp towards heaven is better than a cozy walk towards hell.
And bear witness, for you will know it when you see it, the mark of a man who is climbing his way makes him always and forever is a greater man than you may ever be if you make no attempt yourself. Thus climb towards heaven, and do not let others drag you down. Know that your ascent to heaven will only help those who you leave behind further, and anyone who trieds to belittle your ambitions or belie your greatest hopes is a sycophant and tyrant who wishes to make you a dweller in their imprisoned life.
Thus it is your duty, and yours alone, as a man of God and enlightenment, to have utmost faith and trust, and work always persistently towards entering the kingdom of God, realizing this is not a chore or a sad fate, but the most exalted and glorious thing to do. And to climb those great steps, you must be fully sure of what you are doing, and commit yourself completely, and thus a climber is always the most honorable person to be.
Never look back.
~ Hugo